As a man gets older, he begins to ponder how he might come out if he were weighed in the balance. Will he be found wanting? And if so, does he have enough time left to make up for his sins? Although tax considerations certainly play a role, intimations of mortality among the rich account in large part for philanthropy. Roughshod titans of industry hope that by establishing a foundation they may make up for whatever crimes they committed to make all that dough in the first place.
Lacking the funds to go that route, I wonder what I should do if the faith of our fathers turns out to be correct. After all, if I'm wrong , and when we die we don't just die and that's about it, and it turns out the faiths of old are right, I'd rather be safe than sorry.
But before I go around being virtuous, I have a few questions I need to ask about heaven. For example, once they let you in, can they ever kick you out? I mean, let’s say you were sufficiently virtuous during your life on Earth to gain admittance to paradise, but ultimately you didn’t much like it in heaven, and you started acting up. Could they send you away? And if so, where would they send you? Back to Earth so you can be relatively virtuous again? Or to limbo, or some other kind of celestial time-out, until you promised to behave?
Surely they wouldn't send you to hell for being annoying, or just because the other angels don't want to sit with you at dinner. I mean, wouldn't you have to be someone on the order of Satan himself to be banished to Hades (which, in any case, couldn’t have been all that hellish before he got there)? And where would they draw the line? I mean, is one moment of snarkiness enough to send you packing, or what? It seems to me that if heaven means you've got to watch what you say and love everybody and keep up with all the other goody-two-shoes who made it through the pearly gates, is the price of admission really worth the outlay?
Just because people are virtuous doesn't make them lovable. In fact, some of the most disagreeable people I know are entirely virtuous. Is there humor in heaven? And I don't just mean grandpa's puns or a parson's little instructive jokes but the really funny stuff. Is there doubt? I doubt it. Is there irony? What exactly would there be in heaven to be ironic about?
Maybe there's some sort of spray they apply that renders all such considerations moot. But even if you threw in 72 virgins, I'm beginning to think the only reason I might want to go to heaven is if hell were the only alternative. Besides, what use exactly are 72 virgins? Especially if they had to remain virgins? Wouldn't they turn out to be a source of unending aggravation, spending their time and all my money shopping in malls and calling for rides and talking on the phone?
Lacking the funds to go that route, I wonder what I should do if the faith of our fathers turns out to be correct. After all, if I'm wrong , and when we die we don't just die and that's about it, and it turns out the faiths of old are right, I'd rather be safe than sorry.
But before I go around being virtuous, I have a few questions I need to ask about heaven. For example, once they let you in, can they ever kick you out? I mean, let’s say you were sufficiently virtuous during your life on Earth to gain admittance to paradise, but ultimately you didn’t much like it in heaven, and you started acting up. Could they send you away? And if so, where would they send you? Back to Earth so you can be relatively virtuous again? Or to limbo, or some other kind of celestial time-out, until you promised to behave?
Surely they wouldn't send you to hell for being annoying, or just because the other angels don't want to sit with you at dinner. I mean, wouldn't you have to be someone on the order of Satan himself to be banished to Hades (which, in any case, couldn’t have been all that hellish before he got there)? And where would they draw the line? I mean, is one moment of snarkiness enough to send you packing, or what? It seems to me that if heaven means you've got to watch what you say and love everybody and keep up with all the other goody-two-shoes who made it through the pearly gates, is the price of admission really worth the outlay?
Just because people are virtuous doesn't make them lovable. In fact, some of the most disagreeable people I know are entirely virtuous. Is there humor in heaven? And I don't just mean grandpa's puns or a parson's little instructive jokes but the really funny stuff. Is there doubt? I doubt it. Is there irony? What exactly would there be in heaven to be ironic about?
Maybe there's some sort of spray they apply that renders all such considerations moot. But even if you threw in 72 virgins, I'm beginning to think the only reason I might want to go to heaven is if hell were the only alternative. Besides, what use exactly are 72 virgins? Especially if they had to remain virgins? Wouldn't they turn out to be a source of unending aggravation, spending their time and all my money shopping in malls and calling for rides and talking on the phone?
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